Qualify every description


Standing on my feet on the floor of my kitchen in my home in Glasgow, I looked with my blue eyes out of the double-glazed window which sat in the middle of the wall like a clear panel of carefully-engineered plastic in the middle of an interior wall. The rain was falling from clouds and through the air, down towards the ground, where it landed, making wet puddles of water on the grey pavement far below where it had started from.
I was hungry in my stomach. Scratching the back of my head with the fingers of my left hand, I opened the door of the fridge which stood next to the window on the opposite side of the room from the tall oak door. An electric light inside the fridge came on inside the fridge and illuminated the inside of the fridge. With my right hand, I picked up the Davidstow mature cheddar cheese which sat next to a brightly-coloured plastic tub of butter-substitute vegetable-oil-based spread. I also picked up the vegetable-oil-based spread. I would have a sandwich to eat with my mouth.

13 comments:

  1. Do you make these up yourself? Or do you actually find them "out there"?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Always so funny - laughing with my mouth and typing with my fingers.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I actually think with my brain that what you wrote was quite beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  4. How does he know his eyes are blue? Head-hopping!

    ReplyDelete
  5. >Do you make these up yourself? Or do you actually find them "out there"?

    Although various parts of my professional life involve teaching creative writing and reading unpublished fiction, for reasons both ethical and legal, the posts on this blog are my own original compositions.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This entry could double as an example of "Hyphenate every adverb/adjective combination in which the adverb ends in -ly."

    ReplyDelete
  7. I love this entry, because I absolutely hate it when an author tells me the color of a character's eyes by saying "she looked at me with her blue eyes" or "his green eyes were filled with sadness" etc. I'm like "OHREALLY? What were his hazel eyes up to while this was going on, hmm? Chilling with her brown ones, having a nice break from filling with tears and looking around meaningfully?"

    ReplyDelete
  8. LOL. Person above me, you just made my day :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. OMG - this sounds disturbingly like Dan Brown. You're not living a double life steeped in irony are you?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sometimes, just to annoy people, I start talking at a time just after deciding to annoy the people who I then started talking to in such an annoying manner by talking to those people I'm annoying in a manner which is annoying to those people because the things which I'm saying to those people - who I'm annoying because I decided to annoy them before starting to annoy them - repetitively requalify things which I've already qualified before requalifying them - which is a thing that doesn't need to be done and thus is annoying because it's unnecessary (which is why I do it, because annoying those people to whom I do this is the goal that I decided upon before starting to engage in such activity as I'm describing here so it can be understood by those who foolishly choose to read it - foolishly because to attempt to read this would be just as annoying as it would be to people who I might talk to in this manner, if I chose to do so, which I have at times done, as already described) and is also very confusing, both to those who I'm talking to (and those who are reading written examples of me doing the thing I'm referring to, which this is, as I already mentioned and am now mentioning again as another example of the thing I'm describing) and to me as I myself figure out what to say next (or write next, which is a bit easier since I can look back and see what I've already written before writing the thing I'm about to write next, which I can't do yet since I haven't quite figured out what the right thing to write is, which is why I'm looking back in the first place) so hopefully one of the people I'm attempting to annoy be speaking to in this manner is actually paying attention because otherwise the only person I'm hurting is myself, although really I don't mean any harm by it and it's supposed to be the sort of annoyance everyone sees was just a joke afterwards but it doesn't always turn out that way so I really shouldn't do it and certainly I never do it for as long as I'm doing it right now, so I hope that people weren't particularly annoyed by having to read all the things I just wrote and the parts of it I'm writing right now and also the bits I haven't got to writing yet but will apologise for writing in advance just to be sure, because to be honest I just wanted to be somewhat entertaining and really I've just been ridiculously - and perhaps pitifully - longwinded instead and I'm not even certain that the commenting system won't just chop most of my post off and then no one will ever see this apology but perhaps I'll save the text first so if that happens I can split it into multiple posts so I'm not just writing to no one though the odds are no one will read it anyway, and while I'm at it I should point out how incredibly self descriptive this is, and that at this rate I'll probably notice that I'm going to get stuck in an infinite loop of self description, except I'm not really since whenever I'm in a situation which could potentially be like that, I really knew about it beforehand and planned to call attention to the situation and then break out of the loop by just ending the sentence, though in this case I'm ending it before really looping too much, except now I'm describing what I'm going to do, not what I've already done, and now I remember that I already referred to what I hadn't written yet when I wrote the apology, and since I'm not sure that the apology will cover this level of nonsense I'll just stop here before I forget why I started writing in the first place, except I already have, oh bother!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm reminded of Weird Al's "Trapped in the Drive-Thru." "[I] Put my key in the ignition, and then I turn it sideways, then we fasten our seatbelts, as we pull out the driveway..."

    ReplyDelete