NON-CONTIGUOUS HOMAGE FORTNIGHT #10: Try too hard to be The Bible


14. And so it was that the family of Pethuel came to a place which was not valley; nor was it mountain, nor forest, nor field. 15. In this place was a gathering. 16. The gathering was of many peoples, congregated there for purposes unknown, and so they did wait. 17. At this time, Pethuel joined with those who waited; a host which numbered seven times seven times seven and then three more who had just turned up, throwing the numbers off. 18. One of those who waited was Paul, who was the son of Daniel, who was the son of Peter, who was the son of David, who was the son of Enoch, whose father’s true name was forgotten, though his friends called him ‘Skipper.’ 19. They waited for ten days and seven nights, due to Paul losing count a couple of times. 20. After this time, Pethuel turned to the crowd and addressed them. “What exactly are we waiting for?” spake he. 21. And no man among them could say. 22. Seeing this, the family of Pethuel continued on their journey, saying to one another: “Well, that was a complete waste of time.”

10 comments:

  1. No it would be, "---, who lived --- begated --- and lived --- years after that, his son --- lived --- and begated his son ---..." repeat.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Just what I needed to wake me up in the morning :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think you found a lost section of the Book of Mormon.

    ReplyDelete
  4. ... People really try to write fiction like that? Ouch.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This reminds me very much of certain sections of 'The Lord of the Rings'.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Pure genius:

    SECOND BROTHER:
    And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--
    MAYNARD:
    Skip a bit, Brother.
    SECOND BROTHER:
    And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'

    ReplyDelete
  7. I don't comment on all your posts, but I enjoy every single one hugely. You're so inventive.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'd like to throw in "trying to hard to write biblical allegory" as a related thing not to do.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I love this blog! Always makes me laugh.

    ReplyDelete