He reached out a sympathetic hand. Helen looked up with hopeful eyes, then swung an eager arm towards him and allowed her optimistic fingers to grasp his.
‘Yes,’ she said, her voice strong enough to shock her own ears. He grinned, his confident mouth lighting up his forthright face. Her heart, delighted, seemed to laugh within her chest – the chest which was usually so reserved and timid. She looked into his eyes and saw them grinning at her. But was there something else there? A hint of trepidation, perhaps? Behind their apparent delight, what were his eyes really feeling? It was impossible to know what was going on in those eyes’ head. Was their heart truly in it?
My fingers, typing with trepidation, know well that they've been guilty of this in the past.
ReplyDelete'Sfunny how some of these work fine (confident mouth) and how others are obvious howlers (optimistic fingers, eyes' head).
ReplyDeleteArtistically, it would have been better to start off with the first kind and then introduce the second, sorting the examples in decreasing order of plausibility, so that the reader looks back and realizes how peculiar all of them can seem.
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ReplyDeleteI love these... 'She let her eyes linger for a moment on the windowsill' ewww - or 'He threw his arm over the back of the couch' ouch.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, this would totally work if they were, in fact, robots from the future.
ReplyDeleteI missed your posts. This one is particularly good.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled onto this blog today and have been familiarizing my optic nerves with it, not to mention my supremely amused neocortex.
ReplyDeleteWhen writers involuntarily crank it up to 11, of course, you get a narrative voice strong enough to shock your own parasympathetic nervous system.
Another excellent example of how a text can go awry. Thanks.
A-anonymous? Is that you?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous said...
"Not exactly..."
Fingers must always be optimistic. I dread the thought of pessimistic fingers.
ReplyDeleteSo much beautiful imagery which I liked. After reading it over a few times, I thought there was maybe a tad too much :-)
ReplyDeletecough stephanie meyers cough
ReplyDelete"It was impossible to know what was going on in those eyes’ head. "
ReplyDeleteWas their heart truly in it?
ReplyDeleteIf not exagerated the structure of this idea could work wonders.
ReplyDelete"I let my mind wander, and it didn't come back." ~ Calvin
ReplyDelete