Censor your characters


‘I’ve been a docker for twenty stinking years and now you’re telling me I’m out of a job because of these flipping cut-backs?’ Eddie clenched his fists. ‘Well, you can go forget yourself! I’m blinking angry about this!’
‘For fudge’s sake, Eddie, calm down,’ said his supervisor, spreading his hands in a soothing gesture. ‘It’s not my decision. It’s those blinking numbskulls in management who’ve come up with this frolicking plan.’
‘Yeah?’ muttered Eddie. ‘Well, they’re out of their damp minds. I ought to go up there and smash their flaking heads in.’
‘I talked to them already, Ed. They say they can’t change the situation.’
‘Can’t?’ said Eddie. ‘They can’t? That’s what they always say. It’s can’t this and can’t that and can’t the other. If you ask me, they’re a bunch of–’
‘Eddie,’ his supervisor interrupted. ‘I need you to flapping cool it right flouncing now.’

14 comments:

  1. Damn and blast it what utter tosh and balderdash!

    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Or you could just swear in gorram Chinese... seemed to work in Firefly... *Browncoating*

    ReplyDelete
  3. You must be highly creative to figure out how to write this badly this well! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. To quote Terry Pratchett's barbarians who are being taught not to swear, 'Darn it all to heck!'

    ReplyDelete
  5. My favorite was "damp". Read it out loud and it's almost impossible not to accidentally substitute something else...

    ReplyDelete
  6. The art of understatement...

    ReplyDelete
  7. This has been my gripe with Christian fiction for years. If your characters have strong emotion, let them show it.

    I also think that films that use "fuck" ever 1.5 seconds are over the top too.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is the best one yet.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Take the Fantastic Mr Fox route - "You're not gonna cuss with me!"

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think my thesaurus just exploded...

    ReplyDelete
  11. One of the gosh-damp funniest things I've read in my frolicking life!

    Oh flap! I have to get back to my blinking homework. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. @The Ridger, FCD
    Ah, Fantastic Mr. Fox. I laughed so hard when he first said "clustercuss"

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hey guess what? I don't know if you heard, but I got my dick bitten off by a shark last week!! Wudda ya think everybody?

    ReplyDelete