HOMAGE WEEK #4: Try too hard to be Raymond Chandler


He fixed me with the kind of look a drunk gives to the bottom of an empty glass. I felt a cold rivulet of sweat sliding down my spine. If I had a chance in hell of getting back to my car, it seemed like I was going to be the last to know about it.
‘Seems like I’m not needed here,’ I said, flicking a fictional mote of dust off my sleeve. ‘I’ll leave you gentlemen in peace.’ As I turned, I heard the sound of chairs scraping back across the concrete floor behind me.
‘No, you gotta stay,’ said the big guy, with a smile that could have rotted fruit. I stopped, but didn’t look round.
‘I’m fine,’ I muttered. My gut turned over like a hooker right after she’s earned her money and now she just wants to sleep, damn it.

16 comments:

  1. oooh the best one yet of homage week! "Flicking a fictional mote of dust off my sleeve".

    Brill!

    :-)

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  2. *applauds wildly* That was actually quite enjoyable! I should check out some Chandler...

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  3. Oh, man, you are great! Love it! Very noir!

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  4. Loved the 'smile that could have rotted fruit', excellent and disturbingly evocative:-)
    thanks for sharing
    martine

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  5. Today you have failed to write badly.
    Well, the hooker simile was a bit over the top, but otherwise, awesome.
    While I'm not a huge fan of the PI genre, I may have to pick up a couple of his books just for the writing style.

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  6. This was indeed awesome. I'd love to see a Douglas Adams homage sometime. He can't be imitated but everyone tries.

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  7. As a Chandler devotee (and Philip Marlowe fanatic), I have to say this is pretty good! OK, maybe Mr C didn't deal out the similes quite as frequently as you but they were mostly up to his standard. Bravo

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  8. Yay! I LOVE Chandler and it all just came back to me "like a pickle sandwich I've been trying to keep down all morning"... hmm. I'll keep trying. I meant that in a GOOD way, btw ;-)

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  9. "it seemed like I was going be the last to know about it."
    Just curious, shouldn't that be "going *to* be"?

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  10. Up until that last line this was really quite good!

    I demand a refund. ;-)

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  11. Yes, "going to be" – coises! Fixed now.

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  12. When my RSS reader said "Trying to hard to be Raymond C...", I thought for a second you were parodying Raymond Chen, noted programming blogger. Apparently not.

    Pre-emptive snarky comment: His notability is in question, even by himself.

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  13. That's great! I don't think I've ever seen someone question their own suitability for Wikipedia before. What a charmingly humble gent.

    The other possibility, of course, was that it could have been a parody of Raymond Carver. This might have been too close to the bone, however, as most short stories produced on creative writing courses read like unintentional parodies of Raymond Carver.

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  14. I know it's been said before, but this was actually some damn good writing. A smidge over the top, sure, but I'd read a whole book o' your Chandler impersonations. Especially that first line -- lovely.

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