Choose one character to bully


‘So it’s settled. We head north.’ Her hand resting lightly on the pommel of her sword, Saltar looked at each of her companions in turn. Pheos returned her gaze coolly, sparks of shadow flickering around his gloved hands. Gramble shrugged and hefted his axe from one compact, muscled shoulder to the other. ‘No objections?’ said Saltar. ‘Then we ride as soon as...’ She hesitated. ‘Where’s Dingleton?’
‘Curse him!’ muttered Gramble, looking around. ‘Stupid wretched creature.’ Pheos smiled archly.
‘I believe our diminutive friend is currently relieving himself,’ he said, nodding towards a nearby bush.
‘Sorry!’ said the bush. ‘Sorry! Hang on, I’m just...’ The bush rustled and Dingleton fell out, his trousers round his ankles. ‘Wooaah!’ He tumbled head over heels down the muddy slope, his hands stuck in his belt as he tried desperately to pull his pants up.
‘Dingleton!’ snapped Saltar. ‘Get up. We’re heading north. Where did you tie up the horses?’
‘Tie up?’ said Dingleton, a baffled expression on his face. ‘They were... um...’
‘I’ll murder him!’ yelled Gramble, gripping his axe. Saltar sighed.
‘At least tell me you picked up the bag with the holy amulet in,’ she said.
‘The thing about that...’ Dingleton began, before losing his balance and falling flat on his face.
‘Why is he here again?’ hissed Pheos.
‘I don’t know,’ Dingleton moaned quietly to himself. ‘I really don’t know. I’m not equipped for this. It seems cruel even to have brought me. When you think about it...’ Whatever he had been about to say, it was muffled by the bird faeces that fell directly into his mouth at that exact moment.

17 comments:

  1. Haha I've seen so many books like this!

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  2. Eeeewwww. That last bit was way over the top.

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  3. I should NOT have put a forkful of food into my mouth just as I read that last line.

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  4. This passes for "comic relief" in waaaaay too much fiction.

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  5. I hadn't checked your posts for a while and the last few have had me laughing. Particularly this one. Thanks.

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  6. With a name like Dingleton, you'd expect bird poo to fall on him. But into his mouth? I'd have thought he'd be looking down rather than up. He's lucky it wasn't a Golden Eagle.

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  7. I think my favorite thing about this post is the description "sparks of shadow." Nice.

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  8. I know someone who had a laugh interupted by a bird pooing in her mouth. This post was not as funny as that, but it was still funny.

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  9. Hey, Joel, do you mind if I link to you on my bloggish thing? I hope not, because I just did it.

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  10. Now, now, whumpage has a long and well, not proud, exactly, history!

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  11. Lawl. Poor Regis.

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  12. Oh GAWSH, I just pictured bird poo flying horizontally into his mouth.

    I nearly died. Had me laughing 'til I sweat.

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  13. The word you're looking for is "Buttmonkey".

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