Personify every object


The hat, old and disillusioned, sat on Leo’s head like a passenger on a bus which is not only late, but has forgotten which route it was supposed to be taking. The feather drooping pathetically from the hat’s side seemed to have given up any hope of escape and was now, to all intents and purposes, playing dead. Leo shuffled his shoes, which were not having the best day, on the gravel; first the chewing gum they had picked up two miles back and now this. As for the chewing gum, it was just disappointed to be stuck to a pair of shoes with such a low tolerance for discomfort.
Leo’s grimy, tactless finger hovered hesitantly over the unsuspecting doorbell for a second before pushing it. The sound of the chimes filled the inside of the house like a sumo wrestler in a minicab before dying away like a sumo wrestler on life support. The silence which followed outstayed its welcome like a guest at a party which didn’t want to be thrown, much like a shot-putt entertaining thoughts of retirement in a country cottage which sits contentedly on a hilltop which reaches for the clouds like a dieter for cream cakes which wish they didn’t have to be eaten.

15 comments:

  1. You just get better and better...or do I mean worse and worse.

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  2. My keyboard thanks you from the bottom of its heart for this post; the computer screen gave a few subtle laughs. At that moment, even my tea was grateful at being drunk.

    :-)

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  3. "As for the chewing gum, it was just disappointed to be stuck to a pair of shoes with such a low tolerance for discomfort." This has to be one of my favorite lines ever on this blog.

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  4. Kind of a Tom Robbins vibe to this one in some ways.

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  5. This comment laughed so hard it wished it didn't wear its corset.

    :-)

    x

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  6. That first sentence was quite proud of itself for being exceptionally clever.

    I also wanted to bring to your attention Dave Barry's reprint today:

    TODAYS "TIP" FOR FICTION WRITER'S: To make your writing more vivid, insert a literary device.

    WEAK: "Detective Jake Turmoil slowly opened the door to the killer's room."

    STRONG: "Detective Jake Turmoil slowly opened the door to the killer's room and a metaphor sliced off his head."

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  7. This is another fab post. How come bad writing is just so GOOD?! I suppose it's if it's done well, if that's not a contradiction in terms. I love the personified chewing gum, too.

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  8. Bulwer-Lytton is turning over in his grave.
    With envy.

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  9. Reading this post is like eating a bowl full of sugar. At first it's sweet, by the end your stomach hurts (from laughter).

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  10. Not only every object, but every object within a personification, and object within a personification of an object within a personification... apparently!

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  11. Everything seems so much more vivid when u introduce metaphoric references to sumo wrestlers!

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  12. "Everything seems so much more vivid when u introduce metaphoric references to sumo wrestlers!"

    Hence the success of the King James Bible.

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  13. This sort of thing is the reason I love the Hitchhiker's Guide books so much. Flipping hilarious.

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  14. My favourite part is when even the metaphorical objects are personified.

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