Rely on your back catalogue #6

(if this doesn’t make sense to you, see the previous post)

From: opportunity
To: temp-032@alton-associates.co.uk
Subject: 1,800,000 USD For You


Message:
Dear Friend,

I know this might seem a bit unlikely, but I’m a Nigerian Prince in need of your help.

You see, I’ve got approximately $1,800,000 in the form of oil company shares, but it’s all tied up in this quite complicated arrangement to do with inheritances and military coups; I won’t bore you with the details. To cut to the chase, I need you to help me get this money out of the country.

I know you must be wondering why I approached you. After all, you have no formal connection with the Nigerian government and precious little experience of international money laundering. Surely, you ask yourself, I could have used my political contacts to find a more suitable business partner – a diplomat, perhaps, or the CEO of a multinational company. However, I can assure you that, of all the options open to me, picking an email address at random from a softcore pornography website’s mailing list did genuinely present itself as the most logical course of action in this delicate situation.

I know this might seem like an uncertain incentive, but in return for your help in this matter, I can promise you by way of reward all the money that this sum will accrue in the form of interest during the time it will take to complete the transfer. I don’t know how your high-street bank’s graduate account deals with things like international banker’s drafts for almost two million dollars, but I imagine you’ll probably make about $50,000 from the transaction.

Here’s where it gets a bit embarrassing. You see, there are certain technicalities with a transaction of this size which must be taken into account. The paperwork involved is frankly bewildering and I’m sure you don’t want to know all the ins and outs of it. Suffice it to say, I’m going to need you to send me $300 just to ‘get the ball rolling’, so to speak. This is to cover admin costs, postage etc. and is no cause at all for suspicion.

I appreciate that you might be sceptical. After all, if I’m a Nigerian Prince with almost two million dollars at my disposal, why can’t I afford $300 for admin costs? Believe me, I’m as confused as you are to find myself in this odd and, let’s be honest, highly unlikely situation. However, this is where I find myself, the rightful heir to the throne of a large and relatively prosperous African nation – sending emails to strangers asking for small amounts of money in order to buy stamps and padded envelopes. In your position, I would no doubt be sceptical as well.

All I would ask you to do is to place yourself in my shoes for a second and consider what constitutes the right course of action. All I’m asking is that you give a few moments of your time to help a fellow human being in need and consequently make $50,000 tax free. Is that really too much to ask? If you decide that you cannot help me, I will regretfully bid you farewell and move onto the next email address on my list – I feel certain that there is someone on the wildwetwhores.com mailing list who can help me. What I will say, though, is that this kind of arrangement can be reciprocal. So, when you next find yourself with $1,800,000 you need to get out of the country, I hope you won’t hesitate to contact me for help.


All the best,

A Nigerian Prince.

3 comments:

  1. "However, I can assure you that, of all the options open to me, picking an email address at random from a softcore pornography website’s mailing list did genuinely present itself as the most logical course of action in this delicate situation."

    The next time I get one of these emails, I'm quoting from this post. Brilliant work!

    ReplyDelete