Replace concrete nouns with abstract ones

I let my hand rest gently

on your locomotion as you exhaled.

With each breath, I could see your life force

rising

and falling

inside your blouse.

Meanwhile, in my trousers,

my urgency became substance.

I licked my parched half-of-an-uncompleted-kiss;

you slowly blinked your soft blue perceptions.

Finally, we fell into one another’s manipulations of the physical world

and literally made love.

Truss yore spool-chucker

’Sew,’ de cleared thee vile en. ‘Yew haft fallowed mi two mi layer.’

‘Yeast,’ sad thee hear o. ‘No wee shale betel too thee def. An its yoo-hoo arr. destained toe dye!’

An sough thee fete big gun. Thai fort furriers lea, swingeing form thee shandy leer an yellowing inn salts ate etch utah.

‘Dye! Dye!’ yellowed thee vile en.

’Nether!’ shorted thee hear o. ‘Yew arr. mi swoon anemone!’

Az quiche assay flesh, thee hear o stabled hymn threw hiss chess an one thee fete.

‘Hoary!’ shorted awl thee peepul inn thee kin dung.

Present your research in the form of dialogue

‘My god,’ said Geoff, ‘so it’s true. We hold in our very hands the original draft of the hitherto unknown third treaty of the 1648 Peace of Westphalia signed by the Holy Roman Emperor Ferdinand III himself.’

‘Yes,’ confirmed Sally. ‘Who would have thought when we set off this morning for this remote Swiss village that we would end the day in possession of the very document which marked the birth of modern European statehood?’

‘Certainly not me!’ laughed Geoff.

’Nor me!’ guffawed Sally.

‘And to think,’ Geoff extemporised, ‘the Ratification of the Treaty of Münster occurred exactly three hundred and sixty-one years ago today!’

Always use a thesaurus

She manipulated the garment in a cogitative mode.

‘Hmm,’ she vocalised. ‘This attire is verifiably marvellous. What is it constituted from?’

‘From the most meritorious velveteen,’ defined her interlocutor, simpering coincidentally.

‘Is it?’ iterated the party of the first part. ‘That’s felicitous.’

‘Additionally, this specified object has the property of being subdivided in terms of its defining mercantile characteristic, and can be taken possession of for the diminutive quantity of merely a half-dozen currency units,’ the retail employee informed.

‘Exoneration?’ supplicated the protagonist appropriately. The commercial tertiary sector worker eyeballed her perspicaciously.

‘I said it’s five ninety-nine. Do you want it or not?’

Write thinly-veiled, self-aggrandising autobiographical fiction

Joe Stockley paced the floor of his office and cursed under his breath. Dammit, he thought, why am I such a brilliant writer that no-one ever understands the depth and complexity of my work? It’s almost as if I’m the only real person in the world and all the other people are just automatons! No, that can’t be (he thought). Can it...?

Just then, he was interrupted by the ringing of his top of the range iPhone 3GS (32GB).

‘Hello?’ he said, his voice booming with a timbre which was capable of simultaneously charming his many admirers and intimidating any who dared oppose him.

‘Hello Joe,’ a mellifluous voice came floating back. ‘It’s your loving wife here.’

‘Hello, my beautiful-beyond-compare, talented and intelligent wife,’ said Joe, his laughter reverberating around the expensive fixtures and fittings of his luxurious house.

Describe every character in minute detail, taking no account of narrative pacing

Terrence Handley shifted his weight, the weight that had been steadily increasing for the last ten years and showed no sign of diminishing, at least while his wife Marie continued to excel as she did at the design and production of delectable gourmet meat pies, and shuffled his feet restively as he waited. His feet had always been a source of irritation for him, imbued as they were with a mysterious capacity to ache seemingly independently of circumstances. This had been the case since the age of about ten, when he first noticed that his feet had a reluctance to settle in one position (or he supposed, two positions nearby one another) for any length of time before sending signals up the nerves that ran through his legs informing his brain that, if it was all very well, they’d rather not be set in the aforementioned position for too much longer. At last, the door opened.

‘Package for you,’ he said, thrusting the object into the waiting hands of Alfonso Delany, hands which, over time, had become not only minutely hardened to the rigours of the world in which they worked, but subtly tainted by the chemicals with which Alfonso spent the majority of his days.

’Thank you,’ said Alfonso, his rich chestnut hair (which tended towards a dryness he found frustrating and did his best to remedy by use of a range of expensive poultices) falling across his borderline brown-green eyes, which were only slightly larger than the average eyes of a man of his age and ethnicity.

Skip blithely between tenses

I sit at my desk with my head in my hands and sighed. It is only three days until the deadline, I think, and I’m going to have had to finished everything before then. If only I have finish this now, I thought and lean back on my chair. Just then, the phone has rung. I am answering it.

‘Hello?’ I am going to have said. It is my boss; he was angry, but not as angry as I remember him being when I am handing in the work late, four days from now.

‘Is this work going to have been finished when it is currently the deadline which, at present, is in the future?’ he demanded. ‘I am planning to have been waiting for it, as I presently am.’

Use as many adjectives as you can

He slowly walked the slow, winding path towards the crooked, run-down old house. With one slow, hesitant hand he bravely, resolutely knocked on the dusty, pock-marked, ancient and frightening door. Slowly, it opened slowly. He slowly poked his brave head through the narrow, foreboding gap.

‘Hello?’ he slowly said, bravely.

Just then, suddenly (yet strangely slowly), a terrifying, scary, bone-chilling, face-tingling, stupefyingly mortifying and stultifying, yet oddly inconsequential and subtly fragrant, big, massive, enormous multi-hued, monochrome monstrosity of epic, legendary, massive, indescribable proportions burst thunderingly from the shadowy, ill-defined, hazy, portentous, generically appropriate yet obviously underdeveloped and self-evidently over-described dark, dark darkness.

‘RAAAAAAH!’ it said.