Rely on your back catalogue #2

(if this doesn’t make sense to you, see the previous post)

IN THE EVENT OF FIRE

• When you hear the alarm, calmly make your way to the nearest exit.

• If the nearest exit is on fire, consult the emergency floor-plan for an alternative escape route.

• If the emergency floor-plan is on fire, report to your building’s safety officer.

• In the event that your building’s safety officer is also on fire, dial 999 on the nearest phone and ask for the fire brigade.

• It is entirely possible that the nearest phone is, like everything else in the office, on fire. If this is the case, use your mobile – 999 calls are free on all networks, so you won’t even have to fill in an expenses claim form.

• If your mobile phone is on fire, you’re starting to run out of options. You could try shouting for help out of a window.

• By this point, you’re probably on fire yourself. Your situation now is beyond the remit of this poster. Good luck.

Rely on your back catalogue #1

(if this doesn’t make sense to you, see the previous post)

Optimo HairFlow Tea Tree, Jojoba and Hake Shampoo is infused with a subtle blend of fragrances designed to invigorate, enliven and inspire. After just three weeks using it twice a day, you’ll be feeling so much extra confidence that your life will improve immeasurably in every way. You will find discarded money in gutters. You will win competitions you didn’t even enter. You will almost certainly get a promotion at work. Using Optimo Hairflow Shampoo will actually be earning you money, which makes that extra 60p a bottle over the supermarket’s own-brand shampoo seem more than worthwhile. In fact, it might be wise to invest your newfound wealth in buying more Optimo HairFlow Shampoo. This will give you a further boost of self-worth, spurring you on to even greater heights and allowing you to purchase yet more Optima products. Ultimately, this process will result in you having dominion over all the peoples of the earth and issuing commands from the highest minaret of your solid gold palace, where you bathe all day in a vast Olympic-sized swimming pool of shampoo, looking down on the lowly masses beneath you and laughing and laughing and laughing.

For best results, use with Optimo HairFlow Conditioner. Avoid contact with eyes, teeth and lawyers.

Sell books from a box in your garage

Dear readers,

We’ll come back to the random plot generators another time – for now, I’ve got an Exciting Opportunity for you, so Don’t Miss Out!

A few years ago, Luke Wright and I wrote a book called Who Writes This Crap? which consisted of spoofs and pastiches of everyday writing – small print, junk mail, newspapers and so on. It was pretty funny.

Through the magic of discontinued print runs, I’ve just come into possession of about 50 copies of the paperback edition and I’d like you guys to have them. They’re £6 each, or $12 for USAians (because, you know, postage). If you’re from somewhere else, they’re whatever $12 is in your currency. Drop me an email at writebadlywell@gmail.com if you want one and we can do a PayPal thing.

To try and tempt you, I’m going to post a few extracts from the book over the next few days. The actual print versions are all beautifully formatted to look like the things they’re parodying, but even without that, some of the jokes should still stand.

All the best,

Joel

Plot your historical romance at random

Dear readers,

Another genre that you never have to think of your own plot idea for again. You can thank me later.

The Stupendous Random Historical Romance Roller (pdf)

As pointed out in previous comments, there are virtual dice available online if you don’t happen to have the right polyhedrons just lying around. This said, I have faith in the essential geekiness of my audience.

All the best,

Joel

Plot your SF at random

Dear readers,

Another in the series of tools for the inspirationally challenged. This week it’s the turn of SF and there are over 55 million possible plots, none of them particularly feasible:

The Fantastic Random SF Roller (pdf)

Enjoy, and don’t forget to share your results.

All the best,

Joel

Plot your folktale at random

Dear readers,

Continuing last week’s experiment in randomly generated storytelling, here is another tool for your writerly toolbox. There are fewer possible outcomes this time, but the results are more genre-specific:

The Incredible Random Folktale Roller (pdf)

All the best,

Joel

Plot your story at random

Dear readers,

Hello. It’s been too long. A How To Write Badly Well book has now been put together and is with the publisher. I will, of course, keep you updated. In the meantime, I thought we could try something a bit different.

Authors are asked all the time where their ideas come from. Usually they mumble something about scenic walks or reading the newspaper, then mention the title of their book again and glance meaningfully towards a bookshop. In an attempt to answer this tricky question once and for all, I have decided to turn storytelling into a quantifiable science (this has, in fact, been done before – see Vladimir Propp). To this end, I present the first in a series of handy tools for the muse-averse writer:

The Amazing Random Blurb Roller (pdf)

Use it wisely and please feel free to post your results in the comments section below.

All the best,

Joel

Fail to explain what’s going on

Dear readers,

I owe you an explanation. At some point over the next few months, there will be a shiny wonderful book (you remember books, right?) based on this blog. It may or may not be called 100 Ways To Write Badly Well. It will include both the best bits of this blog and all-new material. I’m pretty sure you’ll like it.

The lack of updates here is partly down to me working on said book. The lack of updates in the near future will also be partly down to this. I’m going to mothball this site for a few months and relaunch it, new and improved, when the book’s ready. Sorry for not explaining this sooner. Don’t worry, though – it’s all going to turn out okay in the end, just like a predictably-plotted story.

Those of you who have sent me suggestions for new blog posts are wonderful people and I can only apologise that those suggestions are being put on ice for a while (yes, ice and mothballs – what of it?). Thank you all so much.

See you soon.

Joel